The following Dodgers have been smited by the JDK for their crimes against Jam:
All the girls! for picking on the JDK and damaging his already delicate self esteem!
The Basserd Who Nicked Copper's Stuff For the offense of nicking Copper's stuff. You are a tw*t, whoever you are and we all hope you get run over by a tram in Nottingham. Or Liverpool. Or whereever else they have trams!
Copper For the crime of playing with her Wii instead of her Jammie pals!
What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress £2000. Tux rental £100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
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Your benefits have been assessed by.......The Assessor! (not available in Northern Ireland)
Men are happier as long as they are not aware that...
...they go bold, can't ask for directions if they get lost, can't see the beer in the fridge when it's right in front of them, can't get the oposite sex do do their unpleasent tasks by playing innocent and naive, live shorter, can't blame PMS if they smash the car in an accident and will never master the perfect manipulation of the oposite sex
Yes do share - in the meantime men are also happier because
They actually understand what the pedals in cars do (and know that they are not magical 'stop go' switches), they know how computers work, they understand the correlation between running the heating and getting a massive bill at the end of the winter, they can balance their cheque account statements, when they get frustrated they can punch the crap out of someone or something instead of crying, and they almost never ask someone how they think they feel about what they just said...
Women however, bounce when they walk fast and I think that makes up for it.
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I'll take arrogance and the inevitable hubris over self-doubt and lack of confidence.
"Everyone has a plan, until they get punched in the face" - Mike Tyson
He he... I read this and there are only 6 statements that don't refer to me. I think I might be verging on being a man (of the happy variety)
oo... and I can reverse park... (secretly hoping that the JDK remembers the most elegant and quickly manoeuvred reverse park I undertook on a narrow street in Clifton).
He he... I read this and there are only 6 statements that don't refer to me. I think I might be verging on being a man (of the happy variety)
oo... and I can reverse park... (secretly hoping that the JDK remembers the most elegant and quickly manoeuvred reverse park I undertook on a narrow street in Clifton).
To be fair though mate - you did for some inexplicable reason park on the pavement of the probably the widest road in the world (mine) - nearly running me over in the process - and actually putting your car at more risk of damage and yourself at more risk of getting a ticket by doing so. That may (I only say may) cancel out any reverse parking you can do
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I'll take arrogance and the inevitable hubris over self-doubt and lack of confidence.
"Everyone has a plan, until they get punched in the face" - Mike Tyson
JonnyStead wrote: To be fair though mate - you did for some inexplicable reason park on the pavement of the probably the widest road in the world (mine) - nearly running me over in the process - and actually putting your car at more risk of damage and yourself at more risk of getting a ticket by doing so. That may (I only say may) cancel out any reverse parking you can do
ooo dear... I nearly ran over the Stead . Just thought I should pull it in as far as possible seeing as there was potential for idiots to be passing.... and learner drivers.... examples of whom we observed on the way to yours. I had the wing mirrors in my old car bashed into a few times (and had the car broken into) when I used to live in Bristol, and so I suppose I'm just a little over cautious about it now!
. Just thought I should pull it in as far as possible seeing as there was potential for idiots to be passing.... and learner drivers.... examples of whom we observed on the way to yours. I had the wing mirrors in my old car bashed into a few times (and had the car broken into) when I used to live in Bristol, and so I suppose I'm just a little over cautious about it now! 
