The following Dodgers have been smited by the JDK for their crimes against Jam:
All the girls! for picking on the JDK and damaging his already delicate self esteem!
The Basserd Who Nicked Copper's Stuff For the offense of nicking Copper's stuff. You are a tw*t, whoever you are and we all hope you get run over by a tram in Nottingham. Or Liverpool. Or whereever else they have trams!
Copper For the crime of playing with her Wii instead of her Jammie pals!
I've just had the oddest phonecall in the office. An approximate transcript follows (names and places have been changed to protect annonymity...er and because I can't remember them)...
JDK: Good Morning, Fraud Prevention, Darren speaking. Caller: Hello. Can I speak to Darren please? JDK: You're speaking to me. Caller: What? JDK: (louder and slower) You're speaking to me. Caller: Oh, Hello. This is Janice from Moulton Branch. You sent us an e-mail about a fraudulent payment. JDK: Can you tell me when I sent the e-mail so I can find it on my list. Caller: I'm sorry, I have a hearing problem and I can't hear men. I'm going to have to get someone else to speak to you (puts the JDK on hold).
A minute or two elapses. The JDK considers hanging up, but decides that it will be far more entertaining to see how this plays out...
Caller: (a different voice) Hello, this is Sarah. JDK: Hello.
A lengthy and somewhat awkward pause...
Sarah: Um... My colleague has a hearing problem. Could you tell me? JDK: Tell you what? She called me. Sarah: Er... One moment please...
JDK is returned to his 'on hold' status. A minute or two elapses during which the JDK plays with his Dangermouse pen-top.
Sarah: Hello. I'm sorry about that. JDK: That's... ok, I suppose. Sarah: You sent us an e-mail about a fraudulent payment. JDK: That sounds like something I'd do. When did I send it? Sarah: I don't know. JDK: Ok, do you have the reference from the e-mail? Sarah: I don't think so. JDK: Hm (allowing a slight edge of disgruntledness to enter his voice). How about the customer's name or account number. Sarah: I'll just have to get them. One moment please.
JDK endures yet more muzak.
Sarah: I'm sorry, my colleague felt ill and has left the branch. JDK: I'm sorry to hear that.
Another pause.
JDK: So... account number? Reference? Sarah: I'm sorry, Janice didn't leave them for me. JDK: Can I make a suggestion? Sarah: Yes? JDK: Why don't you phone me back when you know something. Anything. Sarah: Er... ok. JDK: Thanks for calling.
Er, why would someone call someone named Darren, knowing that they cannot decipher males voices on the telephone? The foresight is not very strong in this one...
ddvmor wrote:
JDK: Can I make a suggestion? Sarah: Yes? JDK: Why don't you phone me back when you know something. Anything.
That kind of phone conversation would make me wonder if I actually woke up this morning or if I was having one of those dreams where you think you're going about your day...
Hmm. 'Interesting' is not really the word I'd use for it. Many of my work conversations go something like this:
JDK: Good afternoon, JDK speaking. Caller: Hello. This is Caroline from Arse End of Nowhere branch. You sent us an e-mail. JDK: Ye-e-e-e-e-es. A little more detail please. Caller: It was about John Smith. JDK: Okay. Very helpful, thanks. When did I send it? What was the reference on it? Caller: Um. I'll Just check.
Pause...
Caller: It was a week ago last Monday week. I can't see a reference. JDK: It's in the subject line. Caller: Oh yes.
Pause...
Caller: It's CAB123. JDK: Okay. So what have you found out? What's been done? Amaze me with your progress. Caller: Well, nothing really. We weren't sure what to do with it. JDK: So I sent you an e-mail telling you that a dodgy cheque has been paid into the account almost 2 weeks ago and all you've done is read it and ignore it for a bit. Caller: Of course not! We... er... didn't actually read it until yesterday. JDK: Did you notice the phrase 'URGENT: FRAUDULENT CHEQUE' in the title. Caller: Oh yes. We thought it was probably a joke. JDK: Ok. Well, first things first. Is there actually any money in the account? Caller: I'll just have a look.
Pause...
Caller: No. In fact it's £15,000 overdrawn. JDK: What a surprise.
Alternatively, with my other hat on (this is based on a genuine conversation from yesterday)...
Senior Manager (SM) appears at JDK's desk
SM: I think the case management database is broken. I can't get into it. JDK: Oh dear. What's it doing? Do you get an error message? SM: Er. Maybe. I'll go and look shall I? JDK: Yes, you do that. Good boy.
SM vanishes for a number of hours, during which the JDK does many impressive things. Then, unfortunately the SM, re-appears.
SM: I don't mean to be pushy, but when do you think you'll have it fixed. It's getting really quite urgent. JDK: Um... What exactly am I fixing? SM: The database. JDK: Did you find that error message? SM: Oh. Was I supposed to? I thought you could do that. JDK: Why don't I drop everything, come over and have a look? SM: Would you? Thanks.
True to his word, the JDK stops the very important stuff he's doing and follows the SM over to his desk. Which has no computer on it. There is an extended pause while the SM looks expectantly at the JK.
JDK: Um. I think I know what the problem is. SM: Really? JDK: You have no computer. You need a computer to use this particular database. SM: Oh.
Another pause.
JDK: Presumably you have a laptop somewhere...? SM: Er. Yes. I left it at home today. JDK: Sooooooo... when did you have this problem exactly...? SM: Oh... when I was working from home yesterday. JDK: You do know that you have no network access at home, don't you? SM: Yes. JDK: And that the database is on a network drive. SM: Yes. JDK: And so you won't be able to access the database from home. SM: Yes. JDK: Because you have no network access at home. SM: Yes.
Pause...
SM: So when will you be able to fix it?
I love my job... It has the benefit of making me feel intellectually superior to... well... everybody!
Sounds about right for the plebs we employ in branch nowadays!
