The following Dodgers have been smited by the JDK for their crimes against Jam:
All the girls! for picking on the JDK and damaging his already delicate self esteem!
The Basserd Who Nicked Copper's Stuff For the offense of nicking Copper's stuff. You are a tw*t, whoever you are and we all hope you get run over by a tram in Nottingham. Or Liverpool. Or whereever else they have trams!
Copper For the crime of playing with her Wii instead of her Jammie pals!
One morning a husband awoke and decided he wanted to go duck hunting. He woke his wife and told her, "You have three choices, either go duck hunting with me, let me **** you in the ass, or give me a blow job. I have to run out get the dog, and load the truck. You'd better decide by the time I get back."
He returned after a while, and said to his wife, "Well, what have you decided to do?" To which she replied, "Well, I sure don't want to go duck hunting, and I'm sure the hell not going to let you **** me in the ass, so I guess I'll give you a blow job."
She proceeds, and all the sudden stops and begins spitting and choking. He said to her, "What's the problem?" And she replied, "****! My God, your dick tastes like ****!" He replied, "Oh yeah, the dog didn't want to go duck hunting either."
Here's the kicker. Against what I deemed to be my better judgement I told this (fairly, erm, abrasive, perhaps) joke to a young lady and she laughed her ass off. Since then I've told it to two other young ladies and I have gotten a similar reaction.
So, while this seems like one for the guys, it really is for all to enjoy.
This guy was invited to a bachelor party but his wife didn't want him to go. "Last time you went to a bachelor party you got totally blind drunk and vomited all over yourself, ruining a new suit", she said. "I promise I'll behave myself," he said, and begged and begged until finally she gave in.
So he goes along to the party and pretty soon he forgets about his promise and begins drinking Long Island iced teas. Before long, he's really feeling it. He tells a friend: "**** my wife will kill me if I vomit on myself" he tells a friend. "No problem," says his friend. "What you do is put $20 in the back of your wallet. If you throw up on yourself give the wife the $20 when you get home and tell her that someone else vomited all over you and gave you $20 for the dry cleaning".
So the guy thinks this is a great idea and starts really hitting it heavy. By 2:00 AM he is ****-faced. He has barfed all over himself as his wife expected he would.
So he heads home and his wife greets him at the door. "God damn it! You did it again!" she screams. "No, no you've got it all wrong! Another guy was so drunk he threw up all over me, but he gave me $20 to pay for the dry cleaning," he says as he hands over the money to his wife.
"If he gave you $20 how come your giving me $40?" "The other $20 is from the guy who shat in my pants!"
A Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green", Teacher says "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Leroy from the back of the class stands up and asks: "Does a fart have lumps?" The teacher looks horrified and says..."Leroy, of course not!!!" "OK...then I DEFINITELY **** my pants..."
Unfortunately we have just run out of Sainsburys fair trade tea bags (make a fab cup of tea) and we're using the emergency Tea Direct fair trade tea bags (not such a nice cup of tea and strangely orange!!??).
I think I should be saying 
