I'm with you, you dont see people slapping on a big stupid grin and saying "I dont know anything about that reading writing and counting **CUCUMBER**" so why is it ok to say it about IT?

HELLO !
anyway here's a memo to send out to all staff in your company:

Memo

When a tech says he's coming right over, log out and go for coffee. It's no problem for us to remember 2700 network passwords.

When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, and trophies. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

When tech support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're probably just testing out the email system.

When a tech is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and explain your problem(s) and expect him to respond immediately. We exist only to serve and are always ready to think about fixing computers.

When a tech is at the coffee machine or outside having a smoke, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we drink coffee or smoke at all is to ferret out all those users who don't have e-Mail or a telephone line.

Send urgent e-Mail ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

When you call a tech's direct line, ignore the bilingual greeting that says he's out of town for a week, record your message, and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an e-Mail straight to the director because no one ever returned your call. You're entitled to common courtesy.

When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it, right?

When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can even fix telephone problems from here.

When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a tech's chair with no name, no phone number, and no description of the problem. We love a good mystery.

When you have a tech on the phone walking you through changing a setting; read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to DO anything; we just love to hear ourselves talk.

When we offer training on the upcoming software upgrade, don't bother going. We'll be there to hold your hand after it is done.

When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently just disappear for no reason.

When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.

Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.

If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go around and update the network drivers for you and all your co-workers. We're grateful for the overtime when we have to stay until 2:30am fixing them.

When you have a tech fixing your computer at a quarter past one, eat your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy.

Don't ever thank us. We love this AND we get paid for it!

When a tech asks you whether you've installed any new software on this computer, lie. It's nobody's business what you've got on your computer.

If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.

If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on us. Of course keyboards work much better with half a pound of crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky drops of Cola under the keys.

When you get the message saying "Are you sure?" click on that "Yes" button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?

Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". It never bothers us to hear our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.

When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a Master's degree in nuclear physics.

When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know jack sh*t about the problem.

When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a high-priority mail attachment. We've got plenty of disk space and processor capacity on that mail server.

Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. God forbid somebody else might get a chance to squeeze into the print queue.

When you bump into a tech in the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We work 24 hours a day 7 days a week, even while at the grocery store on weekends.

If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. We'll be there for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access database flip out.

When you bring us your own no-brand home PC to repair for free at the office, tell us how urgently we need to fix it so your son can get back to playing DOOM. We'll get right on it because we have so much free time at the office. Everybody knows all we do is surf the Internet all day anyway.

Yeah

We have a helpdesk and a support team and I still get the odd phone call about something silly, i'm like "ok no problem I'll just halt the progress of this massivly important technical development project I'm managing to hear why you can't print" stroll on...

A guy in my work, whenever he completes a new system and has to produce a user manual always entitles it "[name of system] - Manual for Computer Users Non-Technical"

And he gets away with it!

 

And have you noticed that the hotter or more perishable the food, the more likely it is that you will be interrupted.  If you just have a sandwich then it's only 50:50.  But if you have a jacket sput with chilli and cheese (for example) or a plate of lasagne from the canteen, it's guaranteed that the senior manager needs you to drop everything and go help him.

Figment...  Don't remember that one. What's he/she/it from then?

So continuing the theme of IT Dumb Assedness, we have a nice little intranet based system at work that allows you to reactivate your network password if you get locked out.  It works really well and is nice and quick and easy to use... if you bother to take the 10 seconds to register for it.

There was a lovely e-mail that went round about a year ago, which explained it all, nice and simply, told you how to register and suggested that you do it as soon as possible.

Guess who the only person to bother registering was.  Go on guess.

On of the guys down the end of the office locked himself out after his 2 week break this morning.  Since it's before 8am, the IT helpdesk isn't open (actually 8am is just their official opening time - you'd be lucky to get an answer before 8.30) so he was cussing and moaning because he couldn't get his password reset.

So I said... "Why don't you use the password reset system on the intranet?"

"The what?" he asked, with a confused expression on his face.

"The password reset system," I explained, "that allows you to reset your password with great ease and even greater speed without having to involve the IT helpdesk.  It was set up for just this scenario."

Needless to say, when he received the e-mail about a year ago, not to mention the monthly 'reminder' mails that we've had since then, he's simply hit the delete key, rather than actually read it.  The result being that he now has to twiddle his thumbs at his desk until the IT helpdesk opens...

His colleague who had similarly disregarded the e-mails (to the point that he was insistent that they never existed) read up on the system this morning on my insistence.  His reaction?  "Well I have to fill out a form.  I don't have the time."

He is now at the opposite end of the office looking at someone's holiday snaps.

Numpties.

JonnyStead wrote:

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Gotta pick you up on this Pirate dude - "When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can even fix telephone problems from here." How did they ring with no dial tone? Sounds like a modem problem to me and ya probably should have helped em with it - sorry

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Let me explain by highlighting the relevant portion there for ya, Barbie.

Their phone line or modem at home ain't working, so they wait 'til they're at work and phone the helpdesk dudes.

Now go get yourself that Y chromosome you've always wanted...

Memorize the following for insertion into officespeak tomorrow AM:

404 - Someone who is clueless. From the Web error message, “404 Not Found,” which means the document requested couldn’t be located. “Don’t bother asking John. He’s 404.”

Adminisphere - The rarified organizational layers above the rank and file that makes decisions that are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant.

Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. “I dunno, ask Rick. He’s our alpha geek.”

Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Batmobiling - putting up emotional shields. Refers to the retracting armor that covers the Batmobile as in “she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling”

Beepilepsy - The brief siezure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.

Betamaxed - When a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition as in “Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market”

Blamestorming - A group discussion of why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Blowing Your Buffer - Losing one’s train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won’t let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. “Damn, I just blew my buffer!” (Synonym: “Head Crash”)

Body Nazis - Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively.

Bookmark - To take note of a person for future reference. “After seeing his cool demo at Siggraph, I bookmarked him.”

Brain Fart - A byproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly; a burst of useful information. “I know you’re busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?” Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative connotations.

CGI Joe - A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.

Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Chip Jewelry - Old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decoration. “I paid three grand for that Mac and now it’s nothing but chip jewelry.”

Chips and Salsa - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. “First we gotta figure out if the problem’s in your chips or your salsa.”

CLM (Career Limiting Move)- Used by microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. “Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.”

Cobweb - A WWW site that never changes.

Crapplet - A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. “I just wasted 30 minutes downloading that crapplet!”

CROP DUSTING - Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING.....

Cube Farm - An office filled with cubicles.

Dead Tree Edition - The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms.

Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss, as is Dilbert, the comic strip character. “Damn, I’ve been dilberted again! The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.”

Dorito Syndrome - The feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. “I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I’ve got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome.”

Egosurfing - Scanning the Net, databases, etc., for one’s own name.

Elvis Year - The peak year of popularity as in “1993 was Barney the dinosaur’s Elvis year”

Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

Generica - Fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions as in “we were so lost in generica that I couldn’t remember what city it was”

Glazing - Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open; a popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. “Didn’t he notice that by the second session half the room was glazing?”

Going Postal - Totally stressed out and losing it like postal employees who went on shooting rampages

GOOD job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Gray Matter - Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms trying to appear more professional and established.

Graybar Land - The place you go while you’re staring at a computer that’s processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). “That CAD rendering put me in graybar land for like an hour.”

High Dome - Egghead, scientist, PhD

Idea Hamsters - People whose idea generators are always running.

Irritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

It’s a Feature - From the old adage, “It’s not a bug, it’s a feature.” Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant problem you wish to gloss over.

Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on some people’s computer keyboards.

Link Rot - The process by which web page’s links become obsolete as the sites they’re connected to change or die.

Meatspace - The physical world (as opposed to the virtual) also “carbon community” “facetime” “F2F” “RL”

Mouse Potato - The online generation’s answer to the couch potato.

Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time during which you realize you’ve just made a terrible error.

Open-Collar Workers - People who work at home or telecommute.

Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Perot - To quit unexpectedly. “My cellular phone just perot’ed.”

Plug-and-Play - A new hire who doesn’t require training. “That new guy is totally plug-and-play.”

Prairie Dogging - When something loud happens in a cube farm, causing heads to pop up over the walls trying to see what’s going on.

Ribs ‘N’ Dick - A budget with no fat as in “we’ve got ribs ‘n’ dick and we’re supposed to find 20K for memory upgrades”

Salmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end. “God, today was a total salmon day!”

Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, ****s over everything and then leaves.

Siliwood - The coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and computers; also “Hollywired”

SITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. “Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage”

Square-Headed Spouse - Computer

Squirt the Bird - To transmit a signal up to a satellite. “Crew and talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?”

Starter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Stress Puppy - A person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny.

Swiped Out - An ATM or credit card that has been used so much its magnetic strip is worn away.

Tourists - Those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs. “There were only three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.”

Treeware - Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

Umfriend - One with whom one has a sexual relationship; as in, “this is Dale, my...um...friend.”

Under Mouse Arrest - Getting busted for violating an online service’s rule of conduct. “Sorry I couldn’t get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest.”

Uninstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Also: decruitment.

Vulcan Nerve Pinch - The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

WOOFYS - Well Off Older Folks.

World Wide Wait - The real meaning of WWW.

Xerox Subsidy - Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.

Yuppie Food Coupons - Twenty dollar bills from an ATM

...Ben

ddvmor wrote:

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So continuing the theme of IT Dumb Assedness, we have a nice little intranet based system at work that allows you to reactivate your network password if you get locked out.  It works really well and is nice and quick and easy to use... if you bother to take the 10 seconds to register for it. There was a lovely e-mail that went round about a year ago, which explained it all, nice and simply, told you how to register and suggested that you do it as soon as possible. Guess who the only person to bother registering was.  Go on guess. On of the guys down the end of the office locked himself out after his 2 week break this morning.  Since it's before 8am, the IT helpdesk isn't open (actually 8am is just their official opening time - you'd be lucky to get an answer before 8.30) so he was cussing and moaning because he couldn't get his password reset. So I said... "Why don't you use the password reset system on the intranet?" "The what?" he asked, with a confused expression on his face. "The password reset system," I explained, "that allows you to reset your password with great ease and even greater speed without having to involve the IT helpdesk.  It was set up for just this scenario." Needless to say, when he received the e-mail about a year ago, not to mention the monthly 'reminder' mails that we've had since then, he's simply hit the delete key, rather than actually read it.  The result being that he now has to twiddle his thumbs at his desk until the IT helpdesk opens... His colleague who had similarly disregarded the e-mails (to the point that he was insistent that they never existed) read up on the system this morning on my insistence.  His reaction?  "Well I have to fill out a form.  I don't have the time." He is now at the opposite end of the office looking at someone's holiday snaps. Numpties.

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Hmmm.

Deja-vu...