The following Dodgers have been smited by the JDK for their crimes against Jam:
All the girls! for picking on the JDK and damaging his already delicate self esteem!
The Basserd Who Nicked Copper's Stuff For the offense of nicking Copper's stuff. You are a tw*t, whoever you are and we all hope you get run over by a tram in Nottingham. Or Liverpool. Or whereever else they have trams!
Copper For the crime of playing with her Wii instead of her Jammie pals!
On the back of recent politically correct hogwash, I plan to instil a new type of politically correct anti-discriminatory legislation that, upon being enforced onto the general population without their permission or acceptance, will make the world a much better place. And it is thus:
Article 14 of the European Convention of Human Rights prohibits discrimination on many grounds including sex, race, religion, political opinion as well as ‘any other status’. ‘Other status’ has been interpreted broadly to cover, for example, marital status, sexuality, prisoners and would more than likely cover disability.
Any party who refuses to engage in fornicatory (or related) activity with any other party must be discriminating against that other person for one of the following reasons: race, religion, age, gender, appearance, height, disability, education, geographic location or lifestyle choice unless they do not engage in any fornicatory (or related) activity with anyone (including themselves) at any time.
Therefore, any party being refused fornication by any other party (unless that other person is entirely celibate in every way and can provide evidence of this) is entitled to pursue legal action against said other party.
Hence, were I to demand sexual gratification from any member of the JDBB, they would have a legal obligation to provide said gratification.
So… that said, I present a number of possible scenarios:
Darren: Oy, Copper, Will you shag me? Copper: Not likely. I met you and happen to know that you’re ugly and have questionable personal hygiene. Darren: So you won’t shag me cos I don’t conform to your personal aesthetic preferences. You’re discriminating against me because of my appearance and because I have smelly armpits, which is a disability. I’m gonna sue you.
Darren: ‘Ere Sharon. Will you shag me? Sharon: Not on your nelly. You’re a stupid tosser. Darren: So you won’t shag me because I have had a poor education and have made a lifestyle choice to be inconsiderate and uncaring. You’re clearly a bigot and I’m gonna sue you!
Darren: So Katie. Will you shag me. Katie: I think not, Dazza. I’m about to get married, me. Darren: So you won’t shag me because of your own impending marital status; i.e. because I’m not marrying you. Well that’s discrimination that is, my dear. I’m gonna sue you!
Darren: Hey, Nate. Will you shag me? Nate: No, Dude. You’re a dude. Darren. So what you’re saying is that you won’t shag me based on my gender. That’s sexual discrimination, that is and I’m gonna sue you!
Darren: Hey, Andromeda. Will you shag me? Andromeda: No. My own domestic situation notwithstanding, you’re like 4000 miles away. Darren. So you’re refusing to shag me because I’m British? That’s racial, not to mention geographic discrimination. I’m gonna sue you.
All I can say is that I’m either gonna get loads of sex, or loads of money. Nothing can go wrong! Woohoo!
I'm going to counter-sue you for not respecting that I'm in an exclusive relationship & therefore undermining my lifestyle choice. I feel I may not be the only one feeling this way, so we may bring a group action against you. (Get your mind out the gutter, not that type of group action!)
Seriously, though. With all the ultra PCness going around, it's only a matter of time 'til someone sues someone for not going out with 'em!
Stead doesn't need to be bribed for sex. He hasn't had any for so long, he'd happily pay you. I wouldn't recommend it though - he's ugly and has bad breath.
