The following Dodgers have been smited by the JDK for their crimes against Jam:
All the girls! for picking on the JDK and damaging his already delicate self esteem!
The Basserd Who Nicked Copper's Stuff For the offense of nicking Copper's stuff. You are a tw*t, whoever you are and we all hope you get run over by a tram in Nottingham. Or Liverpool. Or whereever else they have trams!
Copper For the crime of playing with her Wii instead of her Jammie pals!
OK, this article is quite old, but I've only just discovered it so thought it a fair bet others hadn't seen it ... and this is important stuff.
IMPORTANT STUFF people. Read on, and beware!
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A disturbing probe into the potential for apparently innocent biscuits' ability to do harm has revealed that an astounding 25 million Brits have been injured while indulging in some light coffee/tea break snack action, with 500 victims requiring hospital treatment.
That's according to research outfit Mindlab International, which determined that almost a third of adults had been scalded by hot beverages while dunking, 26 per cent had choked on crumbs and ten per cent had broken a tooth or filling while getting their laughing gear round a biscuit.
Rather more seriously, seven per cent of Britons have dropped a biscuit tin on their foot, three per cent have fallen off a chair reaching for vital nourishment, and an equal percentage have poked themselves in the eye with a biscuit.
Seven per cent admitted to have been bitten while feeding a tasty biscuit morsel to a pet or "other wild animal". The most extreme example of biscuit-related mishap, however, was the case of the man who got stuck in wet concrete after wading in to retrieve a stray biccy.
Mindlab also carried out a "Biscuit Injury Threat Evaluation" (BITE) to determine which was Blighty's deadliest biscuit. Mindlab International director Dr David Lewis explained: "We tested the physical properties of 15 popular types of biscuits, along with aspects of their consumption such as 'dunkability' and crumb dispersal.
"Then one of our mathematicians correlated these findings with research data and responses from a nationwide survey of 1,000 adults."
The chilling result is that the public would do well to eye the Custard Cream with suspicion, since it topped the list with a BITE risk rating of 5.63. That's compared with 4.34 for your common-or-garden Cookie, in second spot, and 4.12 for next-placed Choc Biscuit Bar.
Those of you who like sucking a Ginger Nut will be relieved to learn that they're relatively risk-free, rating 2.99 in ninth place. Anyone not wanting to chance their arm should stick to Jaffa Cakes, since they bottomed the list with an almost harmless 1.16.
Mike Driver, marketing director for biscuit manufacturers Rocky, which commissioned the survey, concluded: "Working with biscuits every day, we'd long suspected they're not as innocent as they look - and we were right."
3% of the UK population have poked themselves in the eye with a biscuit?!!! This made me laugh so much it hurt. I mean, how? You're presumably aiming for your mouth? You have your eyes open? And yet you don't notice it's going off course? Ha! You must be some kind of a moron deserving of a Darwin award anyway! (Obviously I exclude those with genuine reasons, such as diseases affecting coordination, from my rantings, but that probably still leaves a good 2%)
I do question, who the blinking cobblers gave a scientist money to do this?
As Stantz would say "Personally, I liked the University; they gave us money and facilities, we didn't have to produce anything. You've never been out of college. You don't know what it's like out there. I've worked in the private sector--they expect results."
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I'll take arrogance and the inevitable hubris over self-doubt and lack of confidence.
"Everyone has a plan, until they get punched in the face" - Mike Tyson
How about this then. The study was probably commissioned as part of a rudimentary viral campaign. Gets people talking about biscuits. And then maybe buying some. The first bit worked, at least.
