The following Dodgers have been smited by the JDK for their crimes against Jam:
All the girls! for picking on the JDK and damaging his already delicate self esteem!
The Basserd Who Nicked Copper's Stuff For the offense of nicking Copper's stuff. You are a tw*t, whoever you are and we all hope you get run over by a tram in Nottingham. Or Liverpool. Or whereever else they have trams!
Copper For the crime of playing with her Wii instead of her Jammie pals!
So... in case you were worried that your music preference might condemn you to a firey hell, the Vatican has issued a handy list of approved albums:
Revealed: the Vatican's favourite bandsIt's the spiritual question we all want answered. You can take your "Why are we here?", your "Is there a God?", even your "What happens when we die?" The real question that so many of us have lain awake at night pondering is "What are the pope's favourite albums?"
That may still be one to ponder, but L'Osservatore Romano, the Vatican newspaper, has revealed its top 10. A "semi-serious" guide to quality, Church-approved, formerly devil's music. Here it is:
1. Revolver by the Beatles
2. If I Could Only Remember My Name by David Crosby
3. The Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd
4. Rumours by Fleetwood Mac
5. The Nightfly by Donald Fagen
6. Thriller by Michael Jackson
7. Graceland by Paul Simon
8. Achtung Baby by U2
9. (What's the Story) Morning Glory by Oasis
10. Supernatural by Carlos Santana
The paper justified itself thus: "A little handbook of musical resistance could be useful during this time of the year in which, in addition to having put up with the rigours of winter, we have to endure a rising tide of musical festivals." Ah, yes, how frustrating it must be for the pope to look at his diary and realise that Glastonbury's not too far around the corner. "Dear Lord and Father, show me the way – Latitude or Bestival?"
It turns out that Satan doesn't have all the best tunes after all, because it's actually rather a good list: nothing outrageously shit, nothing too fleeting and no ghastly attempts to be down with the kids.
I own all but one of the albums on the list. And strangely, that doesn't trouble me. Unlike when David Cameron revealed that The Queen is Dead is his favourite album, and I did a cry. I'm developing a fondness for L'Osservatore Romano on the back of this. They've overlooked some pretty frownonable stuff that the artists involved have done. Revolver is one of the Beatles' trippiest albums, there's all sorts of ungodly stuff on Thriller (though it's not a patch on Off the Wall), and if you made a family tree of intra-Fleetwood Mac dalliances Christine McVie would turn out to be her own grandmother.
But what makes me really happy is the presence on the list of If I Could Only Remember My Name by David Crosby. Apart from the fact that it's unexpected and a splendid album, Crosby has fathered children for a lesbian couple, written a song about being on an acid trip in Winchester Cathedral, and taken a heroic quantity of head-changey things (immortalised in one of the finest ever Simpsons jokes – Barney: David Crosby? You're my hero! David Crosby: Oh, you like my music? Barney: You're a musician?). Well done the Vatican, for being a bit liberal on something that doesn't really matter. I'm going to be optimistic and see it as a first step. As L'Osservatore Romano admitted, identifying the 10 best albums in the history of pop music was not "easy" and inevitably the choice might seem "partial". Next step, I feel, is making some other positive choices that might not seem easy – allowing people to use condoms, perhaps, or letting priests marry, or presenting a cosmology in which people aren't regarded as intrinsically evil. As anyone who's ever sat up late into the night deciding between Rocky Mountain High and Poems, Prayers and Promises over a bottle of whisky, compiling a top 10 albums list is significantly tougher than any of those choices.