Starting in January 2005

Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If

we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you

are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you

dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you

may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you

dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you

do not need a raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If

you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called

Saturday & Sunday (or Thursday & Friday for some!!).

Bereavement Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead

friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have

non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee

involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late

afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour

and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a

strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three

minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the

stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second

offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under

the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture

will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so

that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch

to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people

get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a

Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a

positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,

concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,

insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation

and input should be directed elsewhere.

Happy New Year,

The Management