Vic sent me the following this morning:

General Ways To Annoy People.

Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".

Announce when you're going to the bathroom.

Answer every question with another question. As soon as one of you says a statement instead of a question, shout "I win!".

Any time a member of the opposite sex tries to talk to you, hold your hand up to prevent them from saying anything and say, "Look, I know what you're going to ask me... For the last time, no, I will NOT
go out with you."

Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting.
Then eat raw potatoes.

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

As people talk, smell their shoulders.

Ask people to prove everything they say. (e.g. "I'm Bob, nice to meet you..." "PROVE IT!")

At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons.

Block the entrances of elevators, buses, and subways.

Call every pager number you know and leave the number for your local McDonalds.

Call into work and tell them you have something better to do today.

Clear your throat every three or four words while speaking.

Consistently refer to everyone as 'mortal.'

Decline to be seated at a restaurant and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.

Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar," or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

Every time someone asks you to do something or says something to you ask "Is that a threat?"

Every time you see a particular coworker, shout, "So we meet again!" and laugh evilly.

Face the back when standing in an elevator.

Finish each sentence with "Monkey See, Monkey Do".

Go up to a someone and say, "Are you annoyed by irrelevant questions?" And then walk away very quickly.

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names:
"That's a good point, Sparky."
"No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi."

Move people's bookmarks ahead three pages when they aren't looking.

Never break eye contact.

Never make eye contact.

On a night other than Halloween, get a few friends together and dress like Jason from Friday the 13th. Have each of you stand a mile apart on a highway.

On the public bus, keep asking the driver nervously, "are we there yet?"

Outloud say "What?" and then answer "Never mind. It's gone now."

Page yourself over an intercom, but don't disguise your voice.

Phone McDonald's and try to make a reservation for that evening.

Practice the art of limp handshakes

Pretend you are invisible.

Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Put everyone on speakerphone.

Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.

Set alarms for random times.

Slap people and tell them to stop grabbing your [censored].

Smell smoke often and announce it.

Speak so quietly that people always have to get you to repeat it.

Stand on a busy corner. Gasp, look and point up. See how many people look.

Step on the heels of the person in front of you, and ask them to watch where they're going.

tell people that they're "putting on weight nicely."

Walk up to someone eating. Lean over and stare at them intently until they notice. Continue to do so until they ask what you're doing. Reply, "I've been watching you eat for the last 30 seconds.. You're
weird!" Leave the restaurant.

walk very slowly, and make sure nobody can get past you, move in front of them when the try.

Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

When talking to someone, look at a spot about two inches to their right.

When you're in an argument, no matter what it's about, keep yelling "I don't see your name on it!".

Whenever anybody says anything to you. Respond by saying, "I know."

Whenever someone finishes a sentence say, "And then what happened?"

While driving if you see a "How am I driving" bumper sticker, call the number and inform the operator that the driver is doing a great job.

While going down in an elevator scream, "AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!! WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!" for no apparent reason.

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet