Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
The Jammie Dodger Bored Board -> JDBB -> The Jammie Dodger Bored Board -> 300: The Movie Review To End All Movie Reviews
Post Info
TOPIC: 300: The Movie Review To End All Movie Reviews
ddvmor


I am the Jammie King!




Status: Offline
Posts: 12736
Date: Feb 15, 2007
300: The Movie Review To End All Movie Reviews
Permalink  

Heh heh heh. Now I reckon '300' is gonna be the best movie of the year and now, having read this review of it, I just wanna see it even more. This is the coolest review I've ever seen of a movie. It tells you everything you need to know!

I just saw a movie that’ll give your eyes boners, make your balls scream and make you poop DVD copies of THE TRANSPORTER. It’s called 300. I don’t know what the title has to do with the movie, but they could’ve called it KITTENS MAKING CANDLES and it’d still rule.

It’s about these 300 Greek dudes who stomp the sugar-coated shit out of like a million other dudes. I have a feeling that a lot of high school sports coaches are going to show this film to their teams before they play. Also, gay dudes and divorced women are going to use screen captures for computer wallpaper.

The movie takes place about a million years ago, and it’s sort of like a prequel to SIN CITY. Except way less guns and cars but twice as much skull splitting. If you watch this movie and go into a Taco Bell, and say to the cashier, “I need some extra sauce packets” guess what? You’re getting twenty sauce packets because your face will punch him in the brain.

I can’t spoil the plot because THANK GOD THERE ISN’T ONE. Just ass kicking that kicks ass that, while said ass is getting kicked, is kicking yet more ass that’s hitting someone’s balls with a hammer made of ice but the ice is frozen whiskey.

TWO COOL THINGS ABOUT THE MOVIE AND ONE THING I DIDN’T LIKE:

COOL THING ONE:
HEAVY METAL DURING BATTLE SCENES

Who gives a shit if the music isn’t historically correct? LORD OF THE RINGS could’ve used some Journey. This movie has that chu-CHUNG kind of metal that you hear in your head when your shift supervisor at Wetzel’s Pretzel is telling you that you’ll have to stay for clean up and you wish you had a sock filled with quarters in your hand.

COOL THING TWO:
FOES, MINI-BOSSES AND A BIG BOSS

Basically, the Greek dudes are fighting these Persian dudes, but the director, who must have a dick made of three machine guns, does it all like a video game. The Greeks fight every death metal video from the last ten years. There’s wave after wave of giants, freaks, ninjas, mutants, wizards, and a hunchback who looks like he’s got Rosie O’Donnell on his back.

Would I have been happy if Dom DeLuise from HISTORY OF THE WORLD, PART I had shown up? Maybe, but this movie more than makes up for that glaring oversight.

NOT SO GOOD THING:
DUDE NUDITY (“DUDE-ITY”)

These are Greek times, when there were a lot of naked women around. And there are some naked women in this film, but almost every naked woman scene has a muscular dude giving the screen an ass picnic. Dude-ity is something directors put in their movies so people will think they’re serious, I guess, and not just throwing in naked hotties.

Any directors reading this – IT’S OKAY TO JUST THROW IN NAKED HOTTIES.

Can’t someone make a movie about naked Amazons and call it PAUSE BUTTON?

My final analysis is 300 the most ass-ruling movie I’ve seen this year, and will probably be the King of 2007 unless someone makes a movie where a pair of sentient boobs fights a werewolf.

I get the impression that he liked it a bit.

And, yes. He should probably re-read his first couple of paragraphs...

-- Edited by ddvmor at 21:40, 2007-02-15

-- Edited by ddvmor at 11:21, 2007-03-26

__________________
The King has spoken... But nobody listened.
sha76jam


Cpt Acorn Short of An Oaktree


Status: Offline
Posts: 2225
Date: Feb 16, 2007
RE: The Movie Review To End All Movie Reviews
Permalink  

This is a useful review. It tells me two things; Firstly, I don't want to see the film. Secondly I bever, ever want to meet the guy who wrote the review.

__________________
Razzlesnarglezzvrmptzz
ddvmor


I am the Jammie King!




Status: Offline
Posts: 12736
Date: Feb 16, 2007
Permalink  

sha76jam wrote:
I don't want to see the film.

Not even for the dudity?

-- Edited by ddvmor at 10:56, 2007-02-16

__________________
The King has spoken... But nobody listened.
JonnyStead


"I'm Lois!"


Status: Offline
Posts: 4979
Date: Feb 16, 2007
Permalink  

sha76jam wrote:

This is a useful review. It tells me two things; Firstly, I don't want to see the film. Secondly I bever, ever want to meet the guy who wrote the review.

 



I recommend seeing the trailer and then seeing what you think. When JDK told me about the film I was like "Meh" but then I saw the trailer and said "Wow" - see two three letter words that couldnt be more different. I'm so clever it hurts.

__________________

I'll take arrogance and the inevitable hubris over self-doubt and lack of confidence.

"Everyone has a plan, until they get punched in the face" - Mike Tyson
ddvmor


I am the Jammie King!




Status: Offline
Posts: 12736
Date: Mar 26, 2007
Permalink  

I can now add to the review above. I saw 300 on Friday with the Stead. I’ve been following Frank Miller’s work for years now. Did you see Sin City a year or so ago? If not, I recommend it!

So… 300. The story of the battle of Thermopylae (AKA 300 Spartans vs Everyone Else!).

Scrupulously historically accurate, of course. That is if Xerxes was really 9 foot tall and sounded like he’d just stepped off the set of Stargate and his army was made up of bizarre mutants riding giant rhinos and ridiculously large elephants!

There were severed body parts aplenty and a ridiculous amount of testosterone floating around, evidenced by such lines of dialogue as ‘Break fast and dine hearty, men… for tonight we DINE IN HELL!!!’ and ‘Give them nothing but take from them EVERYTHING’.

Leonidas must be the single hardest bloke who ever lived! Although he must have been an annoying guy to have around because he seemed incapable of saying anything without bellowing it at the top of his voice whilst displaying every one of his pearly white teeth!

It was a very pretty film with lots of clever cinematic tricks involving slowing down the footage and... er... speeding it up again making the (copious) battle scenes very dynamic. The addition of a bit of heavy rock music at key points made it even cooler. :cool:

In all, watching this movie made me a little manlier.

__________________
The King has spoken... But nobody listened.
bonniepirateanne


I ain't a Pirate and I ain't called Anne, but I sure am Bonnie!

(Mrs)




Status: Offline
Posts: 3266
Date: Mar 26, 2007
300: The Movie Review To End All Movie Reviews
Permalink  

i agree with sharon (and i have seen the trailer) definitely never ever seeing this movie - "eye-balling", "ball-screaming" violence doesn't do it for me in the slightest

__________________
current location: Antrim. I like it.
ddvmor


I am the Jammie King!




Status: Offline
Posts: 12736
Date: Mar 26, 2007
Permalink  

Heh. Well if it ain't for you, then it ain't for you!

What's the greatest movie you've seen recently? And if you say 'Becoming Jane' then I'll... um... roll my eyes at you!

__________________
The King has spoken... But nobody listened.
bonniepirateanne


I ain't a Pirate and I ain't called Anne, but I sure am Bonnie!

(Mrs)




Status: Offline
Posts: 3266
Date: Mar 26, 2007
Permalink  

hott fuzz (nah nah nahhh nahhh naaaaah)

(i haven't even heard of 'becoming jane'?)

__________________
current location: Antrim. I like it.
ddvmor


I am the Jammie King!




Status: Offline
Posts: 12736
Date: Mar 26, 2007
Permalink  

Hot Fuzz was, indeed a most excellent movie - second only to the gloriousness of 300.

There are oodles of excellent looking movies coming out this year: Spidey 3, Pirates 3, Die Hard 4, Run Fat Boy Run (with good old Simon Pegg), Road Hogs, Transformers, Sunshine... I could go on...

__________________
The King has spoken... But nobody listened.
bonniepirateanne


I ain't a Pirate and I ain't called Anne, but I sure am Bonnie!

(Mrs)




Status: Offline
Posts: 3266
Date: Mar 26, 2007
Permalink  

go on then..

__________________
current location: Antrim. I like it.
ddvmor


I am the Jammie King!




Status: Offline
Posts: 12736
Date: Mar 27, 2007
Permalink  

Ok then...

Coraline, Stardust, Meet the Robinsons (maybe), Shrek 3 (maybe),28 Weeks Later, Fantastic Four 2, The Simpsons Movie, The Bourne Ultimatum, The Golden Compass, AVP2...

__________________
The King has spoken... But nobody listened.
Copper


Superhero Extraordinaire


Status: Offline
Posts: 593
Date: Mar 28, 2007
Permalink  

I just witnessed the genius that is 300...

In a nutshell: shiny bare-chested greeks in poser pouches fighting the hard fight (aka making raw man-love) on the sweaty battlefield with baddies and bloody body parts aplenty. Brilliant! I didn't like it when the cute rhino sweetie got stabbed in the eye, or when the ellies got rolled over the cliff... but in essence I applaud the unashamedly brutal yet carefullly waxed manliness of the thing. Yey 300!

__________________
Blast it.
ddvmor


I am the Jammie King!




Status: Offline
Posts: 12736
Date: Mar 29, 2007
Permalink  

Heh. You enjoyed it then. There seems to be a slight implied suggestion in your post that it was vaguely homo-erotic, though. I won't hear of it. It was a proper blokes movie, I tell you!

__________________
The King has spoken... But nobody listened.
HaloBurn


Dad



Yarrr...



Status: Offline
Posts: 552
Date: Apr 2, 2007
Permalink  

seems this guy was onto something

http://www.darkhorizons.com/news07/070401a.php



__________________
I aint no wide eyed rebel, but I aint no preachers son.
ddvmor


I am the Jammie King!




Status: Offline
Posts: 12736
Date: Apr 2, 2007
Permalink  

I'm game! heh heh heh...

Er... more significantly, I noticed this link on the smae page:

http://www.darkhorizons.com/news07/070401b.php

__________________
The King has spoken... But nobody listened.
HaloBurn


Dad



Yarrr...



Status: Offline
Posts: 552
Date: Apr 2, 2007
Permalink  

dont talk that jibber jabber fool!

the idea of recasting BA as a female rapper just doesn't make any sense, it it just me? is it?

__________________
I aint no wide eyed rebel, but I aint no preachers son.
ddvmor


I am the Jammie King!




Status: Offline
Posts: 12736
Date: Apr 2, 2007
Permalink  

It's mad. Howlin' mad.

Whatever happened to that plan to make a movie of the A-Team? I swear I read somewhere that they'd cast Bruce Willis as Hannibal...

__________________
The King has spoken... But nobody listened.
Short Santa





For entertainment purposes only!


Status: Offline
Posts: 438
Date: Apr 10, 2007
Permalink  

We saw 300 over t'weekend too - fantastic - its made me want to recreate the whole thing in Rome:Total War

Mrs. Santa did not like, but she has a rather closed mind to any film recommended by my friend Darren

__________________
JonnyStead


"I'm Lois!"


Status: Offline
Posts: 4979
Date: Apr 10, 2007
Permalink  

Wise she is...



__________________

I'll take arrogance and the inevitable hubris over self-doubt and lack of confidence.

"Everyone has a plan, until they get punched in the face" - Mike Tyson
ddvmor


I am the Jammie King!




Status: Offline
Posts: 12736
Date: Apr 10, 2007
Permalink  

Did she not even enjoy the hunky, shiny men? There's no pleasing some people*.




*by which I mean 'girls'.

__________________
The King has spoken... But nobody listened.
Aodan


Teiam Member




Status: Offline
Posts: 2078
Date: Apr 12, 2007
Permalink  

Ok Monday night is a baby free night WOOHOO!!! Kevin and I have decided to see a movie. I want to see 300... but I also want to see Grindhouse...free nights are few and far between so while I'd love to see both its gotta be one or the other..

which to choose????

__________________
*~*Mouth Breathing DVD Extra Watcher*~*
ddvmor


I am the Jammie King!




Status: Offline
Posts: 12736
Date: Apr 13, 2007
Permalink  

Hmm.  It's a tough one.  I have a lot of respect for Rodriguez and, although he's a bit of a nob, Tarantino has made some pretty great movies... but overall, I reckon you'll have more fun with 300.

__________________
The King has spoken... But nobody listened.
Aodan


Teiam Member




Status: Offline
Posts: 2078
Date: Apr 17, 2007
Permalink  

OK we saw 300.

That was the sexiest movie I have ever seen in my life. That's what I thought the whole time. Just raw violent sexy.

Reooooorrrr.

__________________
*~*Mouth Breathing DVD Extra Watcher*~*
ddvmor


I am the Jammie King!




Status: Offline
Posts: 12736
Date: Apr 17, 2007
Permalink  

It was good, wasn't it? Now then... where are you gonna dine tonight?

__________________
The King has spoken... But nobody listened.
Aodan


Teiam Member




Status: Offline
Posts: 2078
Date: Apr 17, 2007
Permalink  

Hell got pretty poor reviews, so I think I'm gonna stick with pizza.

__________________
*~*Mouth Breathing DVD Extra Watcher*~*
ddvmor


I am the Jammie King!




Status: Offline
Posts: 12736
Date: Apr 17, 2007
Permalink  

Will it be Hell pizza?

__________________
The King has spoken... But nobody listened.
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
The Jammie Dodger Bored Board -> JDBB -> The Jammie Dodger Bored Board -> 300: The Movie Review To End All Movie Reviews
Post to Digg Post to Del.icio.us


Create your own FREE Forum
Report Abuse 		Powered by ActiveBoard