The following Dodgers have been smited by the JDK for their crimes against Jam:
All the girls! for picking on the JDK and damaging his already delicate self esteem!
The Basserd Who Nicked Copper's Stuff For the offense of nicking Copper's stuff. You are a tw*t, whoever you are and we all hope you get run over by a tram in Nottingham. Or Liverpool. Or whereever else they have trams!
Copper For the crime of playing with her Wii instead of her Jammie pals!
These are the fundamental differences between men and women & most of them are so true, especially the thought of the day...!!
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Charlie, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer each
other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Sh*t-Head and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste,shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
"Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats."
These aren’t the only bottom feeders receiving airlifts from men.
Eddie Murphy’s Father @ The Family Picnic (after a few drinks):
"The dog’s stupid Eddie, because you don’t spend time with him. I bet he doesn’t even know his name… Cocoa! Where’s that mother ****er going?!
You don’t walk the dog, clean the dog, feed the dog; this aint no Scooby Doo mother ****er! I’m supposed to work all day then come home and feed the dog?! **** no I’m not feeding the dog! But I tell you what I do Eddie, you know what it is? When no one’s around, I kick the mother ****er. I give him all I got Eddie. And I giggle my mother ****ing ass off."
Shower gel (in a variety of smells), Body scrub, body shower cream, anti dandruf shampoo, nice smelly shampoo, deep cleaning shampoo, coloured shampoo, daily conditioner, deep conditioner, nice smelly soaps, body moisturiser, leg moisturiser, facial scrub, facial cleanser, facial toner, facial moisturiser, eye makeup remover, eye cream, special problem solving cream (for dry patches like your elbows), foot soak, foot scrub, foot moisturiser, nightime zit gel, nightime stuff for loosening the dead layer of skin on your face (eeeewwwww), zit cream, foot file thingy (for getting the hard skin off), toothbrush, tootpaste, heavy foundation (for nights out), light city block foundation (coloured moisturiser really but with spf15 sun block!!), clear powder, sparkly powder, sparkly bubble bath, normal bubble bath, bath confetti, bath salts, bath bomb (great fun!!), scrubbing puff thingy, sponge, face cloth, razor, tweezers, cotton pads, cotton buds, variety of eyeshadows, blushers, lipsticks/glosses, mascara, eye liner, eyebrow pencils, eyebrow brush, eyelash comb, eyelash curler, lip pencils, lip plumping cream, lip moisturiser (clear with spf15 no burnt lips in this house!!), all in one foudation/powder, body sparkly stuff, hair mousse, hair putty, hair spray, sparkly hair spray, variety of perfumes/deoderants, ceramic hair straighteners, curling tongs, hot brush, hair dryer, many different kinds of makeup brush (my latest discovery is a blending brush for your eyeshadow - it's fab), eye brightener, normal contact lenses, various coloured contact lenses, contact lense solution, contact lense pots, hair towel, face towel, body towel, hand cream...I could go on...
You see men, we do it all for you guys - you like us to look nice and look after our bodies don't you? We could all be grim and flaky and spotty and sweaty and smelly!!
"You see men, we do it all for you guys - you like us to look nice and look after our bodies don't you? We could all be grim and flaky and spotty and sweaty and smelly!! "
You're just trying to turn me on now aren't you!
__________________
I'll take arrogance and the inevitable hubris over self-doubt and lack of confidence.
"Everyone has a plan, until they get punched in the face" - Mike Tyson
to whoever posted it.
