The following Dodgers have been smited by the JDK for their crimes against Jam:
All the girls! for picking on the JDK and damaging his already delicate self esteem!
The Basserd Who Nicked Copper's Stuff For the offense of nicking Copper's stuff. You are a tw*t, whoever you are and we all hope you get run over by a tram in Nottingham. Or Liverpool. Or whereever else they have trams!
Copper For the crime of playing with her Wii instead of her Jammie pals!
Former Doctor Who actor Tom Baker is to be the voice of a talking text message service for three months.
He replaces BT's computerised voice which currently translates texts into voice messages on a landline.
Baker, 72, who also narrates sketch show Little Britain, was chosen for his instantly recognisable voice.
It took him 11 days to record 11,593 phrases and sounds which could then be broken down and reassembled by a computer to make new words.
Engineers then spent five months processing the recordings so the computer would be able to recognise it and translate them into words using English pronunciation.
Rude words
The service also recognises common text abbreviations such as "gr8" and will translate "xx" into "kiss kiss", while "xxxx" is "lots of kisses".
BT says there are no barriers to what Baker's voice can say - including rude words.
"What appeals to me most is the thought that I will be bringing good news to people whether it is a cheeky message, a birthday greeting, or just a quick hello," said Baker.
"Whatever it is, hopefully my voice will bring a smile to people's faces."
I didn't even know you could send texts to a land line. I'm gonna have to try it now...