The following Dodgers have been smited by the JDK for their crimes against Jam:
All the girls! for picking on the JDK and damaging his already delicate self esteem!
The Basserd Who Nicked Copper's Stuff For the offense of nicking Copper's stuff. You are a tw*t, whoever you are and we all hope you get run over by a tram in Nottingham. Or Liverpool. Or whereever else they have trams!
Copper For the crime of playing with her Wii instead of her Jammie pals!
It's terribly unusual for me to have a rant I know, but I thought I'd have one anyway.
I car-share with one of my workmates a few days a week. His driving is making me insane. He drives at 30 in 40 zones and 50 in 70 zones. He brakes waaaaaaaaaay too early at junctions, so we crawl up to them, he slows down to a crawl on the approach to green traffic lights just in case they change, stops at roundabouts regardless of whether or not there's anything on or approaching them and grunts or groans every time the car goes over a slight bump or goes round a tight bend.
He's convinced that every single oncoming vehicle is using their main beam, even though they're obviously not and refuses to use his own on empty stretches of unlit road because he'll 'only have to switch it off when something comes the other way', which in turn means he has to drive much slower because he can't see the bends coming up.
Worst of all, he shouts 'WOAHHHH!' every time somebody makes what he considers to be a dangerous manouever. These include (but are not limited to) overtaking, doing 70 on the motorway (or generally driving faster then him - this includes just about everybody), merging with his lane ahead of him, being in the lane next to him at a roundabout, braking ahead of him for any reason, pulling away promptly at traffic lights or not approaching green traffic lights at a crawl just in case they change.
He's also utterly uncapable of parking his Vauxhall Safira and is convinced that his car is the height of automotive desirability.
I should add that as a father of two, I'm subjected to in-depth breakdowns of exactly what his sons did in the previous 24 hours every morning. Not quite to the point of telling me how many beans they had on their toast and what time they went to the loo, but almost...
The average journey goes something like this:
"Mornin'" "Allo, mate. I had a really busy evening last night." "Oh yeah?" "Yeah, Gareth had his after-school class last night and... ooof.... I ....oof... had to go and collect him. His.... WOAHHHHHHH!... tie wasn't done up properly and his shirt was ... ooof... slightly untucked." "Wh..." "Anyway he got in the car and ... Lordy, turn your main beam off... WOAHHHHH ... got into the car and we drove home and he told me about his class. Do you know he wrote three pages. I'm so proud of him. Then I made him his ... WOAHHHHHHH... He could have caused an accident - those lights could have changed at any time... I made him his tea, which was sausages and mash - I used four potatoes and his third sausage was slightly overdone." "I..." "What was I saying? Oh Yeah. So I had to drive him to his judo class. It's only a hundred yards away, but... oof... I don't like him being out on his own in the ... WOAHHHHHH... in the dark, even though he's 15..."
And so-on...
sharkjf115 wrote:
Surely to drive in Bristol you have to be a bit of a maniac otherwise you'd never get anywhere.
I had a friend who liked to drive down the middle of the road straddling the centre line. Expecting other cars to get out of your way in a Citroen Saxo isn't a good game of chicken to play.
Now I've ditched my Peugeot 106 and have a bigger car, I find that putting your foot down and closing your eyes helps. Especially getting on to the road outside your office. Or going round that roundabout.
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The average journey goes something like this: "Mornin'""Allo, mate. I had a really busy evening last night.""Oh yeah?""Yeah, Gareth had his after-school class last night and... ooof.... I ....oof... had to go and collect him. His.... WOAHHHHHHH!... tie wasn't done up properly and his shirt was ... ooof... slightly untucked.""Wh...""Anyway he got in the car and ... Lordy, turn your main beam off... WOAHHHHH ... got into the car and we drove home and he told me about his class. Do you know he wrote three pages. I'm so proud of him. Then I made him his ... WOAHHHHHHH... He could have caused an accident - those lights could have changed at any time... I made him his tea, which was sausages and mash - I used four potatoes and his third sausage was slightly overdone.""I...""What was I saying? Oh Yeah. So I had to drive him to his judo class. It's only a hundred yards away, but... oof... I don't like him being out on his own in the ... WOAHHHHHH... in the dark, even though he's 15..." And so-on...
D, you're soooo right - I've passengered with him too. Oh, you're so right.
i'm not a fan of the bad driver - i mean, i'm not putting myself up for driver of the year, but i like to not brake for oncoming traffic (like my old physics teacher), not do 'police style swerves' between lanes on the motorway (like my old college friend) and i do know the width of my car - i am not driving a bus or a moped, i can or cannot fit through certain spaces.
Well, we only drive on those days that a free parking space is available. The bus is about £2 each way so, cumulatively, it saves me a fair amount of cash.
Also, the bus takes 45 minutes to make a journey that takes about 15 minutes to drive, which sucks. And there are always sick people on it. And the bus driver never seems to know the route, so I keep finding myself standing up the front directing him. There's a whole other rant in there.
Had a lift in with Mr W this morning. I don’t think I should suffer alone. Here is the rundown of his weekend and other topics covered during the 20 minute drive.
Saturday
1. Mr W got up at 9.15. Had toast and tea for breakfast.
2. went to Yate with missus.
3. went to T.J. Hughes in Filton with missus to spend a some money that mother in law had sent to missus for passing her teacher's assistant exam (should be noted that gift was in the form of a £25.00 cheque which he has to pay in this morning). Missus bought a pair of pink, thin-soled sketchers trainers and a pair of backless teddy bear slippers.
4. Had lunch in McDonalds.
5. went to Tesco and purchased season 1 of little Britain for £4.89, seasons 1 and 2 of 'Mummies' (whatever that is), 'Blitzkrieg' (a tank game for the pc) and Secret Weapons of WW2 (a flight sim for pc) for 99p each from the bargain bin.
6. went to the gym with missus.
7. came home and got toasty warm (presumably with missus again).
8. placed a bid on eBay for an Irish railway magazine from the forties ‘for a friend’.
9. went to bed very early because there was nothing on TV (I think he's pining for Big Brother)
Sunday
1. went to church.
2. helped clear out the church portacabin (which is being demolished to make room for a new building). Took 2 babygates home to store in his garage.
3. had a hilarious incident where a neighbour saw the babygates and the congratulatory card from Saturday and put 2 and 2 together, coming up with 22 (heh... see what I did there?).
4. son invited a friend over for dinner without asking first.
5. for some indefinable reason, friend had to take bike back home before dinner so son and friend walked over to friend’s house.
6. having been ‘missing’ for 20 minutes, Mr W and missus went out in the car to find them (it should be taken into account that son is 15).
7. they were found walking slowly.
8. bike was loaded in the back of the car and son and friend were transported to friend’s house.
9. on arrival, it turned out that friend’s parents had a huge chicken and loads of veg, so invited them all to stay for dinner, which they accepted (not sure what happened to the original planned dinner, nor what other son had for lunch. Must remember not to ask).
10. failed to win the eBay auction because someone very unreasonably outbid him in the last hour. He had it in the bag, you know. He placed a bid the night before and he was still the high bidder when he went to bed.
Other topics of conversation covered:
1. he’s thinking of buying a ‘put put’ (by this he means a scooter or moped) to ride to work to cut down on petrol and parking costs (had to try very hard not to laugh at his enormous bulk on a moped).
2. it will be ‘glorious’ in the summer, riding to and from work.
3. one should buy a long coat when riding a scooter.
4. he doesn’t think that he can keep his British Gas service contract if he switches his supply to Northern Power.
5. he used intenet banking to set up a standing order.
6. HR have changed his tax code.
7. his car has to go in for a service next week. He will try and time it for a day when he has no parking space as it will mean ‘free’ parking for the day.
8. he contacted NCP for a quote on an annual season ticket for the carpark. They quoted £1800.
9. he wants to renegotiate the existing car parking space share agreement with the other members of his team as it’s terribly inconvenient to only get free parking 3 days a week.
10. he took the boys to see ‘Big Momma’s House 2’ during half term. It wasn’t as funny as the first one.
11. he doesn’t believe that it’s 4 degrees outside as it feels much colder.
Yes, all in just 20 minutes – and all of this was punctuated with the ususal ‘Woah’s and ‘Oooofff’s and complaints that the guy behind him was too close and kept flashing him (i.e. going over bumps). It also took him 9 tries (I counted them) to reverse into the parking space.
D, you're soooo right - I've passengered with him too. Oh, you're so right. 
