Honest.  It's a joke, not an anecdote...

Although i could tell you about a very funny story involving my mother and my wife's flatulence.

Are you sitting comfortably?

Then I shall begin.

I was visiting my mother, one sunny day and we were all sitting around in the lounge.  Now bear in mind that my mum is a very straight laced, lady with Victorian values, having been brought up by her Gran in poverty in Liverpool.

I said something incredibly witty.  I forget what it was, but it was so amazingly funny that Vic burst out laughing.  In fact she was laughing so hard that she let one go.  Given that she was sitting crosslegged on the floor, so her, um, parts were sort of um, spread, she guffed really loudly.  really really loudly.  I mean Nuclear Loud.

My mother, in a state of denial that a girl would fart in public, promptly bollocked my Dad for trumpetting in font of guests...  a girl guest at that.

Of course, I started laughing.  Which set the Vicster off again.  With obvious consequences.

Poor Dad.  Never heard the end of it.  He he!

I was proud of her.   There was me, all ready to stand up for her and claim responsibilty, and my Dad, with his silence stood up for her honour with a coolness and style that I can never match!

A truely great turn of events!

I remember, a couple of years ago we were on a family holiday in Bude.  This was an extended family thin - we'd rented a huge cottage and all my uncles and aunts, cousins, my granparents and immediate family were present.

My younger brother had brought his new girlfiriend along and it was the first time she'd met the family.  A sort of batism in fire as it were.

Anyway, we were all sitting in the dining room haveing finished dinner and Chris popped out with Katie (not the same Katie, sorry) for a quick fag.

A moment later, he burst back into the room dragging Katie along behind him and announced that their relationship had just developed to the next level.  Apparently Katie had done her first fart in his presence (obviously not her first first fart, but the first fart she had emitted in his presence)  This announcement took place in front of, oh, about 20 senior members of my family.

Katie was a little embarrassed.

They were together for about 18 months - 2 years after that incident.  They even moved in together at one point.

And I believe he is still nadded up, although I've not (thankfully) seen proof of this.

Because it just is - you cant quantify these things otherwise we would all be millionaires - ALL OF US!!!!!!

 

 

He he.  Gusset!

KT, he's a bloke.  Things like that just aren't important to most of them.

Arse puns are always the best.

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself:

"She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up baked beans, and shortly after that they got married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. He putted down one hill and putt-putted up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"
She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.

At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and "rrrriiipppp!" It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse.
To keep form gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming.

He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner: the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.
Smiling contently, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Darren you may be King of the Arse joke, but Nate is truly the undisputed King of the Fart joke. Roll over Big Boy.

You've been sleeping your reign away all night and you didn't even know. What a waste.  The things you could have got away with last night just by saying "Who's King?"