The following Dodgers have been smited by the JDK for their crimes against Jam:
All the girls! for picking on the JDK and damaging his already delicate self esteem!
The Basserd Who Nicked Copper's Stuff For the offense of nicking Copper's stuff. You are a tw*t, whoever you are and we all hope you get run over by a tram in Nottingham. Or Liverpool. Or whereever else they have trams!
Copper For the crime of playing with her Wii instead of her Jammie pals!
So one of my workmates sent me this horribly sexist e-mail this morning:
Summer Classes for Men at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED by Friday, Jul. 18, 2008 NOTE : DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM
Class 1 How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2 The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours. < o:p>
Class 3 Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5 Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
Class 6 Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7 Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8 Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9 Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined
Class 10 Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11 Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing Tuesdays at 7:00 PM , location to be determined
Class 12 How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13 How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14 The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Obviously it was absolutely essential that I submit a rebuttal. After a few minutes work I came up with the following:
Summer Classes for Women at
THE CENTER FOR THE INTELLECTAULLY CHALLENGED
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED by Friday, Jul. 18, 2008 NOTE : DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM
Class 1 Men Don't Need Ice Cubes. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2 The Toilet Paper Roll--You Don't Need To Use 280 Sheets! Therapy Session. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours. < o:p>
Class 3 Is It Possible To Go To The Toilet On Your Own?--Solo Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4 No, Underpants Do Not Need To Be Ironed--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5 Dinner Dishes--If The Water's Not Hot, The Germs Ain't Dead! Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
Class 6 Loss Of Identity--Losing Brain Cells To Soap Operas and Celebrity Programmes. Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7 The Wrong Shoes. How To Live With Less Than 16 Pairs. Open Forum Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8 Discussion Forum: Bribing Him With A Present Would Make A Nice Change. Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9 North Is Up. A Beginner's Guide To Map Reading. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined
Class 10 Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Mongs Around In The Car? Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11 Learning to Live--How To Get Through The Day Without Nagging. Online Classes and role-playing Tuesdays at 7:00 PM , location to be determined
Class 12 You Don't Need A Man To Help You Choose Shoes. A Self Help Group. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13 Valentines Day. Important Festival Of Mutual Affection Or Sucessful Con By The Greetings Card Industry? Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14 The Negative Effects of Nagging On The Inclination Of Men To Perform Household Chores. Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, Women should shut up for the duration.
Upon completion of any of the above courses shiny, pretty things will be issued to the survivors.
All of which I've posted here with the intention of starting a boys vs girls debate!
Here is the version I usually see packaged with this time-honored joke:
Summer Classes for Women at The Learning Center for Adults
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO! 20 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before. Meets 2 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM. In Bldg. B
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 3:00 for 2 hours.in Bldg. C
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 AM for 2 hours. in Bldg. F
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After Game Meets Friday at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks. 2 hours. in Bldg. B
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM in Bldg A
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM in Bldg. E
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First. Open Forum . Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours. in Bldg. G
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking Open Forum Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. in Bldg. G
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging Open Forum . Monday at 10:00 PM, 2 hours. in Bldg. G
10. Driving a Car Safely, Introduction to Parking & Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space: A Skill You CAN Acquire Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three mornings; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 AM for 4 hours. in Bldg.G
Fall & winter class line up are as follows:
. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
. PMS: Your Problem... Not His
. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
. TV Remotes: For Men Only Courtesy of the Truckman Research Foundation...
__________________
"It must be mounted on a tripod!...It must be mounted on a tripod!" - Cmdr. Frederick Mohr
DAMNITOL Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
EMPTYNESTROGEN Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!
ST. MOMMA'S WORT Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
PEPTOBIMBO Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
DUMBEROL When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
FLIPITOR Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person."
BUYAGRA Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
JACKASSPIRIN Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat
ANTI-TALKSIDENT A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
NAGAMENT When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.
__________________
"It must be mounted on a tripod!...It must be mounted on a tripod!" - Cmdr. Frederick Mohr
. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption Woooo! Sounds like my kind of class!
. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People Ok, admittedly I need to work on this one... but very few people seem to mind when I inflict steaks, bacon, eggs and butter on them
