The 9 Manliest Names in the World

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Our culture is full of manly men doing manly things. And those men, invariably, have manly names. John Rambo. John Matrix. John McClane. Hollywood writers know what side their bread's buttered when it comes to first names.

But, then there are those real-life men walking around who, by design or coincidence, have been gifted with names so manly you'd expect their penis to rip free of their pants and attack passersby. We've compiled a list of the 9 men with the manliest names in the world.

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#4.Stirling Mortlock
The Name:

When you think about it, this is a ridiculous name. Its individual names would not have worked in a different setting. "Stirling Smith" probably got a wedgie every day at school, and "Cecil Mortlock" very likely had his head dumped in the toilet nearly as often.

However, its two halves manage to come out the other side of ridiculous into an amazing whole. When we hear this name, we see a medieval warrior, killing dragons and bedding wenches--and not just because we've taken a large amount of psychotropic substances.

The Man:
Mortlock is the current Captain of the Australian Wallabies & ACT Brumbies Rugby Union teams. Mortlock has the record for reaching 50 and 100 test points in the shortest ever time. We're not quite sure how the scoring works in rugby, but we suspect the Wallabies were just given a point every time he ran onto the field with that name on his shirt.

Not to mention, he' Australian, which means to reach adulthood he' already survived horrors most of us couldn't imagine in our worst nightmares.

Does He Live Up to It?
Rugby Union is a game where large men run at each other and then stomp on each other with spiked boots for 80 minutes. Mortlock is considered especially good at it.

The Only Way It Could Have Been Manlier:
It's hard to see how. The only way we can see is to lose the "Stirling." It's too clean-sounding, and reminds us of that polish you use to shine silverware. Real men are dirty and smelly and proud of it. You need a dirty name to match the "Mortlock."

Therefore, we suggest "Stonecrusher Mortlock." We know that' not a real name. We don't care.

#3.Magnús Ver Magnússon
The Name:

Nordic naming conventions mean that his name essentially means "Magnus son of Magnus" which immediately brings to mind a line of men, all Magnuses, doing incredibly manly things through the ages. This is a damn solid entry, and you can never go wrong with a nice "Ver" or Von" or "Mac" in there somewhere.

The Man:
Magnús Ver Magnússon is the strongest man in the world.

No, seriously, it's official. Or, at least he was the strongest man in the world four times, winning the World Strongman contest in 1991 and then from 1994-96. The guy's a man mountain.

Watch him in action in his final Strongman contest at the sunset of his career and still comfortably beating guys who can lift cars over their heads:

[url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bEbJhLoD7DQ]

Does He Live Up to It?
Well, considering the name sounds like a nordic strongman, and Magnús is ... a nordic strongman, we say not too damn bad at all.

The Only Way It Could Have Been Manlier:
What, are you people made of stone? Magnús Ver Magnússon, and you want it manlier?

Well, we're not sure how Nordic naming conventions go, but wouldn't his son be named Magnús Ver Magnússon Ver Magnússon? Nah, you can't improve it. Sorry.

#2.Dick Pound
The Name:
Um ... we actually aren't quite sure why this one's on the list, to be honest. Dick Pound?

Hmmm. Dick Pound. An intern gave us this one. He insisted it be on the list. "Richard" isn't especially manly, and neither is British currency. Is this a trick? Dick Pound. Dick ... Pound.

The Man:
We're really drawing a blank on this guy. His Wikipedia page tells us he' a lawyer in the firm Stikeman Elliott and the chairman of the World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) based in Montreal.

Nope, nothing there (although "Stikeman Elliott" actually isn't too bad.) But, Dick Pound?

Dick?

Pound.

Does He Live Up to It?
Well, he' done fine we guess, for a normal guy with a completely ordinary name. He wrote a book ...



We certainly can't see anything there.

The Only Way It Could Have Been Manlier:
Well, since we seem to be out of the loop on this one so we just asked the intern, who suggested adding "Brown" to the end of the name. Then, he said it over and over again, laughing like a hyena.

#1.Staff Sgt. Max Fightmaster
The Name:

Holy shit! Just ... holy shit.

Fightmaster is the kind of name we all wish we were born with. And, the irony is that it' the one name that will prevent you from ever having to actually fight anybody. If you ever get into a scuffle at a bar, before the fists start swinging, people would pull the other guy back shouting, "No you fool! He's Max Fightmaster! Think about this for a second!"

Max Fightmaster. Holy shit.

The Man:
Look, we know you probably don't believe us but we promise you there is a real, actual guy called Max Fightmaster. He was mentioned on CBS News in an article about the Iraq war.

We know, it blew our damn minds, as well. You think, sure, he's talking to the news and he just makes up a fake name, like the e-mail Bill O'Reilly read on the air from "Jack Mehoffer." But no, we looked him up and he's a real guy. He also has a MySpace, although it's set to private, denying casual browsers the insight into what Fightmaster gets up to day-to-day. However, we like to think it's probably something completely fucking awesome.

Does He Live Up to It?
Max Fightmaster is also in the army, or at least he was in 2003. The awesome part? His rank: Staff Sergeant.

This means Max's full name and title is STAFF SGT. MAX FIGHTMASTER. That is the manliest name on the planet. Hands down, bar none. Just saying that name will put hair on your chest. Even if you're a woman.

Girls, please don't say Max's name out loud.

The Only Way It Could Have Been Manlier:
Where do you go when your name is already Staff Sgt. Max f*cking Fightmaster?

Oh, wait, there you go. Just make "F*cking" an official part of the name. We think it's almost impossible to say the name without it anyway.