The following Dodgers have been smited by the JDK for their crimes against Jam:
All the girls! for picking on the JDK and damaging his already delicate self esteem!
The Basserd Who Nicked Copper's Stuff For the offense of nicking Copper's stuff. You are a tw*t, whoever you are and we all hope you get run over by a tram in Nottingham. Or Liverpool. Or whereever else they have trams!
Copper For the crime of playing with her Wii instead of her Jammie pals!
1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 screen saver passwords.
4. When you call the I.T. Support, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here too.
9. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
14. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy blew up"
15. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
16. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.
17. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail/ NT / network upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.
18. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?
19. When you find an I.T. person on the phone, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up.
20. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.
21. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.T. support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.
22. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call I.T. Support. We love to hack.
23. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.
24. When you receive a 30mb movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on the mail servers.
25. When an I.T. person gets in the lift pushing £100,000 worth of computer equipment on a trolley, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you take the lift to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us up no end.
26. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People out 200 miles away like to keep abreast of what's going on.
27. When you bump into an I.T. person at the supermarket on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.
quote: Originally posted by: VicM "8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here too
21. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.T. support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.
24. When you receive a 30mb movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on the mail servers."
Thats brilliant - the three ive chosen are actually things ive had to deal with. Im very tempted to send it to all staff with mail - like when people tell us they are going on holiday for two weeks
Oddly, despite having no IT responsibilities at work AT ALL, I am subjected to numbers 2 - 6, 8 , 12-15, 19, 21, 23 and 27 on a regular basis.
My personal favourite is when the senior manager of an adjoining department calls me over and says 'I permanently deleted all of these e-mails last month and now I want them back.'
I think the worst ones for me (and my background/role is Finance!) are 6, 14, 19 & 20.
Jesus H. Christ, there's something about the smell of my lunch (no matter what I'm eating!!) that makes people come up with the craziest adventures in programming that I need to solve immediately!!
So they ask you what the hell you've just done:
Me: "Well, I stacked this array here and passed it there as you can see..."
