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Post Info TOPIC: Work Funny
Andromeda


Proud House-Owner




Status: Offline
Posts: 1139
Date: Sep 23, 2004
Work Funny
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Things You'd Love to Say at Work, but Can't

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

__________________
NateO


Vice JDK
and Man of the People




Status: Offline
Posts: 5453
Date: Nov 17, 2004
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I'm a little confused, I say many of these things at work.

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You can't polish a turd
ddvmor


I am the Jammie King!




Status: Offline
Posts: 12736
Date: Nov 17, 2004
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That's interesting.  Do you say any of these:


Actual quotes taken from (U.S.) Federal Government Employee performance
evaluations.


1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."


2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."


3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."


4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."


5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."


6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."


7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."


8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."


9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."


10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."


11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."


12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."


14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."


15. "He's been working with glue too much."


16. "He would argue with a signpost."


17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."


18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."


19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."


20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."


21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."


22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."


23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."


24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."


25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."


26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."


27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."


28. "It's hard to believe he beat 1,000,000 other sperm."


29. "One neuron short of a synapse."


30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."


31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."


32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"


33. "Got into the gene pool when the Lifeguard wasn't looking"



__________________
The King has spoken... But nobody listened.
NateO


Vice JDK
and Man of the People




Status: Offline
Posts: 5453
Date: Nov 17, 2004
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Doesn't HR get a little perturbed when leaders say such nice things about their employees?


Indeed, I say stuff like that all of the time, and other stuff:


"What?!"


"You couldn't make that up if you tried!"


"That's crazier than fiction!"


"It's like I've been taking crazy pills!"




__________________
You can't polish a turd
ddvmor


I am the Jammie King!




Status: Offline
Posts: 12736
Date: Nov 17, 2004
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And have you been taking crazy pills?  'Cos it sure seems like it!

__________________
The King has spoken... But nobody listened.
NateO


Vice JDK
and Man of the People




Status: Offline
Posts: 5453
Date: Nov 17, 2004
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It does?


Erm, no.



__________________
You can't polish a turd
ddvmor


I am the Jammie King!




Status: Offline
Posts: 12736
Date: Nov 17, 2004
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You're right.  It was like some sort of madness had taken me over for a moment.

__________________
The King has spoken... But nobody listened.
NateO


Vice JDK
and Man of the People




Status: Offline
Posts: 5453
Date: Nov 17, 2004
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Well, I was consumed by boredom, which might be like temporary insanity...


Feeling better dude? 



-- Edited by NateO at 23:27, 2004-11-17

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You can't polish a turd
JonnyStead


"I'm Lois!"


Status: Offline
Posts: 4979
Date: Nov 18, 2004
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These were great - thank you all

__________________

I'll take arrogance and the inevitable hubris over self-doubt and lack of confidence.

"Everyone has a plan, until they get punched in the face" - Mike Tyson
VicM


Baaaaa.
No, really - Just Baaaaa.

Status: Offline
Posts: 1561
Date: Nov 18, 2004
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Ding dudes!

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Argh Snake.
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